The big news in the sporting world this week (well, at least the news that matters) is the release of the ZO2’s, aka, the shoe that guaranteed Lonzo Ball will never sign with a major sports apparel brand. The cheapest shoe currently retails for $500 dollars, which for most of us is chump change but for others is just a little pricey… wait I may have flipped that.
Of course, if you want to wear a show that looks like it was made by skinning several garden snakes and spray painting it black, by all means. It’s somewhat difficult to wordlessly express being beaten in the Sweet 16, so these shoes are just what you need.
But, if you have the extra cash and need some better ways to spend it, check the list below.
Things for $500 that are more useful than ZO2’s
- 2,500 Chicken McNuggets
- A gun holster wallet
- The ability to literally shit gold (once)
- A Cody Box kite on Ebay so you can fly above the losers who don’t have 500 dollars
- A Water Walking Ball so you can replicate the most impressive of Jesus’ super powers (to be fair, the ZO2’s may also allow you to walk on water like Lavar Ball)
- The ability to run faster and jump over cars (aka Powerskips)
- 1,884 grams of Uranium
- Literal friends (at rentafriend.com)
- 33.33 pairs of Starbury’s
Or, you could just do the responsible thing and burn your money to stay warm