Non Mainstream, Waxing Poetic

The Thinking Man’s Guide to June 23, 2017

Trending Twitter topics broken down by me, for you, from me.

  1. #FridayFeeling:

The always important hashtag for the day so people can see one of three things: how you’re legitimately feeling, some crude comment to get little heart button clicks, or some random gif that may illustrate something comical either involving a character from the Office or Will Ferrell. This Friday, I’m feeling tropical.

  1. #BringYourDogtoWorkDay

Look, I love dogs. They’re great and in my opinion, better than cats. But the last thing I want to do is have a bunch of people I work with bring their dogs to work. Dogs tear shit up and then shit all over everything. I don’t need this as a part of my life in the slightest. Plus, if I were going to dinner at TGIFriday’s, the last thing I want is some Golden Retriever bits in my Friday Fajita. #fridayfeeling: Disgusted with a hint of whimsical dog joy.

  1. #FlashbackFriday

Another typical Friday hashtag, this one is where you flashback to a picture so you can show something you did in the past or how you’ve changed maybe? I don’t really know because that’s the literal point of #throwbackThursday so it seems kind of redundant to me. However, now a days it seems that all this is used for is people to post political shit about the side of politics that they don’t agree with saying something that doesn’t matter currently to prove a point about which side is more inept. So basically, politics in general. #Fridayfeeling: nostalgic

  1. Johnny Depp

Part of the fun about this is I absolutely refuse to click to see what Johnny Depp did or said. Since this didn’t come up on my timeline at all outside of trending topics, I am going to assume that Depp is still alive for the time being. So, I think Johnny Depp has finally decided to shun the conventions of the real world and will now literally become a pirate, using his vast wealth to create a ship to sail the seas and plunder from random freighters considering he may actually be bankrupt in real life. #Fridayfeeling: scurvy.

  1. Saad

Based on my timeline, I know what this is about. The Blackhawks made a trade to reacquire former forward (and fan favorite) Brandon Saad from the Columbus Blue Jacket. While that is interesting, I’m going to go ahead and guess this is trending because a certain unnamed current president of the United States wanted to make a point about a witch hunt and then accidentally misspelled his trademark saying, “Sad!” at the end. That makes me happier. #Fridayfeeling: covfefe

  1. #IWouldLovetoSpendMyBirthday

Sometimes the Twitter machine baffles me. I don’t really know how things like this get momentum, so I’m just going to give this a swing. I would love to spend my birthday on a beach, recently embarked from the pirate Johnny Depp’s pirate ship. We are somewhere tropical, maybe the lower panhandle of Florida. Pirate Depp has gone to get provisions with the spoils from our most recent plunder of a corporate event on a yacht. While on the beach, I notice a piece of brown wood just beneath the surface of the sand, partially washed away by the high tide. I walk over and notice it is a chest and it looks kinda old. I open it. It is filled with one billion dollars, American cash and 3 of the rarest Beanie Babies. I grab it all, ditch the boat, and immediately move to Australia, never to be seen again. #FridayFeeling: Celebratory

  1. Live Asian

First of all, let’s be thankful that this topic is Live Asian and not Dead Asian. To me, based on stereotype, living Asian would be a pretty simple life. I would wake up early in the morning, go to work, be absolutely productive for the next 12 hours and then go home, where I could then admonish my family for failing to live up to our honor code. After a wonderful meal of noodles and grains, I would then go back to sleep and repeat this for all eternity. At some point, I would undergo training to become a ninja samurai, the two strongest warrior classes of my people. I would then die of dishonor, sometime in my early 100’s. #Fridayfeeling: Hopeful

  1. Grateful

People love humblebragging on social media about all the things they’re grateful for so that they can get the attention of other people to then compliment them. I am ungrateful for these people. Or, I could go ahead and use this to show off the depth of my knowledge or how much of a thinker I am: “I am thankful for father sun and Mother Earth for giving me another day to align my chi and make a mark in this small speck of space”. Get over yourself. #Fridayfeeling: ungrateful

  1. Hammer

Who doesn’t love hammers? For most of my adult life, I literally owned one tool, and it was a hammer. It can literally do anything. Have a nail? Hammer it. Need to use a screw, hammer that shit in a wall too. Got a pest problem? Blast that thing with a hammer. Need to take something apart after you’ve put it together, smash it with a hammer. Hell, you can use it to mash foods into drinks. There is a reason that cave people did so well for so long during the dinosaur era: an advanced understanding of the power of the hammer. #Fridayfeeling: Hammerhappy

  1. #HelpAFilmStayCool

And last, we will try and help a movie stay cool by changing the title from something that makes it sound cooler? Or maybe something to make the people stay cooler themselves. I don’t really know. So, my example: “My Big Fat Greek Wedding with Flamethrowers and Cirque de Soleil performances” Doesn’t that just sound like the best wedding you’d ever go to. OR “My Big Fat Greek Wedding, in Antarctica” Now they’re colder. Give it a shot, you’re probably not as good as me. “FridayFeeling: emoji face wearing sunglasses.

 

 

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