Non Mainstream, Waxing Poetic

The Thinking Man’s Guide to June 29, 2017

The Thinking Man’s Guide to Today: June 29, 2017

Trending Twitter Topics for You

Here is my best guess at what is going on in the world today based on Twitter trends.

  1. #iPhoneAt10

Big news today out of the tech world, the iPhone has decided to skip all of the other numbers and release its newest model as the iPhone 10. This model will have a more retro feel to it, returning the ever popular headphone jack while also including a port where you have to plug an Ethernet cord as it will not be WiFi compatible. You win some you lose some.

  1. Trump’s Obama Obsession

Let me paint a mental picture for you: One day, you decide to apply for a job in a company as their CEO since there has been a vacancy. You are completely qualified for this job and therefore you feel confident in your ability to land the role at this company. After an extensive interviewing and vetting process, you ultimately find out that the company feels the same way and unanimously supports your ascension into this position. Once you have the job, you find that while the job presents some challenges, you take to it quickly due to your utmost focus on the problems at hand and coming up with solutions that are both feasible and responsible. You keep to yourself, quietly working to improve the company and soon the company is running at an optimal level. You become universally loved for your cool-headed approach and ability to unify the workers, vaulting your company to elite status in the world, making everybody forget the CEO before you.

This is the complete opposite of America in 2017.

  1. Rite Aid

Rite-Aid is the McDonalds to Walgreens Outback Steakhouse; they both may be fast food chains, but the similarities end there. Rule of Thumb: If you ever find a Rite Aid, you know you are roughly 300 miles from the next major city and need to keep your head on a swivel, especially if you’ve ever seen the movie Deliverance. The good news is, you can get great deals on Male Genital Desensitizer Spray at Rite Aid… so there’s that.

  1. #WhyImBannedFromArby’s

While it seems impossible for someone to actually receive a legitimate ban from Arby’s, I’m willing to play ball here.

I imagine a man sitting calmly in a local Arby’s booth, calmly enjoying a large roast beef sandwich with cheese with Curly Fries and Jamoca shake. The first bite is pure bliss, the Arby’s sauce tingles joyously in my mouth, creating a euphoric taste not experienced by man in millennia. Time seems to stand still as another bite is consumed, this time with some Curly fries. Oh god, the tastes. Bite after bite, chew after chew, the meal is consumed. All of the sudden, the room feels hot. But you’re alone, so you pay no mind. Everything is a blur, time and space have ceased to exist and all that is left is you and your Jamoca shake. Each sip bringing you closer to your own personal nirvana. Finally, the sounds of an empty straw rattle in your ears, bringing crashing back to Earth, filled with sadness. Your eyes dart around the room as you quickly become aware to the 4 police officers surrounding your table. It would seem that in your Arby’s fueled day dream, you have stripped off all of your clothes and now sit in the booth, fully erect. A child sits in the corner of the room, weeping for the loss of their innocence into a small Arby-Q sandwich. Ultimately, you are let off with a slap on the wrist considering no bodily fluids were spilled.

I don’t think THAT would get you kicked out of an Arby’s in 2017.

  1. #NationalHandshakeDay

I officially quit on humanity. Why the hell do we need a day for every single goddamn thing on Earth. If you go throughout your day shaking hands with every person you come across, you’re officially an asshole, end of story.

  1. UMKC

Fun fact of the Day: The University of Missouri-Kansas City has one of the greatest mascots in the United States, the Roos. It is a speedily hopping Kangaroo. There you go.

  1. Mo Bamba

The best name for a basketball recruit in a long time, Mo Bamba was recently outed by his brother for taking illegal benefits during his high school recruitment. Only time will tell if this is actually true or false, but at the end of the Mo Bamba is winning, because his name is Mo Bamba.

Hashtag of the Day: #ThursdayThoughts

My #ThursdayThought of the day; will I ever be able to walk into an Arby’s again without having a Pavlovian response and immediately becoming aroused?

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